Blogmas Day 2: let's get even more personal (some struggles)

Oh hey, guys! Does anyone else wake up extra early to enjoy their house in silence? I adore my mornings where I get to sip my coffee, scroll through emails and pay bills, while the rest of the house is quietly sleeping. It's just so peaceful!

This morning, I wanted to open up about something that I have struggled with for over 15 years. It's shaped a huge part of myself, and is an important factor of my story and especially my fitness story, but it's something that is pretty embarrassing to discuss. Coming off of my competition prep, I've had a new version of the same old problem and you know how they say in school that if you have a question, someone else probably has that same one so you should definitely ask it out loud? Well, I'm hoping this reaches someone who needs to know they aren't alone. Get ready, shit's about to get kind of heavy.

I've struggled with bulimia and binge eating since middle school. Luckily, I was able to overcome the purging with my marriage to Vic. Early on, he had an inkling that something was up and I honestly just felt so overcome with guilt after going out to Buffalo Wild Wings one night (I'll never forget this), that I broke down and told him all about it. What is funny about that, is how as soon as I said something, spoke the words, but didn't ask for help, I just felt so much lighter. My eternal teammate knew the problem and was prepared to help me get through it. Did I just magically become healed from a constantly nagging eating disorder? Hell no! But, over the years I developed the tools and strategies to get me through the hard times and work on myself, both mentally and physically.

Pregnancy was hard for me in that sense. Gaining weight is a tough pill to swallow for anyone that has struggled that intensely with controlling their weight. At the worst, I'd have plowed through a giant plate of French fries or a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and have this dialogue about how my baby didn't want food like that and how I was already failing them. Jesus, Christina, that's crazy! But do you see how I remember all of this so clearly? It's crazy how it really cuts itself into you.

She deserves a healthy, happy Momma

Through my healing process, I've developed the ability to be pretty good at extremes, which is why I think my competition prep wasn't too miserable to get through. Don't worry, I haven't travelled over to a new side of disordered habits, I've just found a new way of looking at my body. 95% of the time I can eat for fuel, eat for what my body needs to do (endurance running, cutting, building), but, the problem I am having post show involves binging. I can stay solid on my plan all day, and then mindless snacking starts and I realize "shit, now I've blown my macro plan!". What happens next? Usually an internal conversation about "well, I could do damage control and move on....OR, I could eat that whole box of cereal and all the Lenny and Larry cookies so it isn't here tomorrow and then I start over!" Do you think that second option actually helps me? Absolutely not! But, it's happening and all too often. I've gained 10 pounds since my show, and this morning I weighed in at 136 even. The day of my second show, I walked on stage at 121, but that is a depleted, dehydrated state, so I'm not counting what I lost during peak week. I know that stage lean is so unrealistic and dangerous to try and maintain, but like I said earlier, any weight gain, even the healthy and necessary kind, is pretty scary.

12/1/2016 My weight is up, but so is my energy and my strength! 

 So, I shared this in the hopes that A) it will help me be more accountable for my binging at night, because quite frankly, I don't want to gain any more weight, I'd like to build my physique at my current body fat percentage to reduce the amount of work that needs to get done in my next prep, if even by a little. B), I always want to be open, honest and REAL with you guys. I'm pretty sure like four people read this and my captions regularly, but I figure if one person needs to read it, maybe I've helped them not feel alone today. 

Eating disorders are like alcoholism (fun fact, I have both running through various parts of my family tree), you don't heal and move on. It doesn't go away. There are always triggers. But, I decided when I wanted to have children, back in my Mustang crying to Vic outside of Buffalo Wild Wings, that I would not give my children a Mom who literally couldn't stomach herself due to something as silly as food. There is no magic here, I decided that I was done and then I stuck with it. The family that I wanted to build and nurture meant more to me than my terrible habit. I was enough, I AM ENOUGH.  Every day, I stick with it. Every day, I decide that I am bigger than my demons and that it may be hard, but if I just stick to my guns, I can get through anything. YOU CAN, TOO. I'm here, friends, and I think this is WHY I'm here. Please reach out if there is anything that you need to get off your chest so we can move forward together.

Forward progress, every day. Never settle.

Love you guys,

Christina

Lifestyle Coaching: email me at c.kassel@yahoo.com, lets work for a more balanced life, together!

1stphorm.com/christina for free shipping and the supplements that keep me on track

dedfitshop.com use the code Christina for 10% off the comfiest clothes, EVER!