So, this isn't one of my normal posts, just a warning! Sometimes a girl just needs to vent and ramble about some stuff. I promise to be back to normal programming after this :)
You've heard of the silly "Mommy Wars", right? Where stay at home Moms shame working Moms and vice versa for whatever reason. I never understood the concern over this, or why in the world any Mom was wasting what pressure time and sanity she had on worrying about what another Mom was doing with her day. As a working Mom, do I get jealous of others who get to stay at home? Yes, until Ryker is in one of his lovely "I'm two and you should do what I want" phases and then I count my blessings that sometimes I get to drop him off for the lovely Miss Peggy to deal with him at school. I don't need the Mommy Wars to give me guilt, you know why? I'm great at that all on my own.
I'm basically a professional stresser, I stress myself out as a hobby. It's not a great hobby, and I'm sure my time could be better spent learning to knit (I went to Michael's once to try and learn that...way too confusing) but instead I spend my time finding new things to worry and obsess over. Normally, I have found my baseline level of ridiculous stress that I can deal with, but this pregnancy has been especially rough because of it. Of course, I'm excited for our baby girl to get here, I can't wait to hold her, see Vic with his Daddy's girl and see Ryker as a big brother. But, I also spend my nights laying in bed thinking about crazy stuff that just gets me worked up and emotional. So, in an effort to just put my concerns out there and move on, I'm making a top 10 list of my self imposed Mom guilt so that I can just move on and enjoy the precious last 6 weeks or so of this pregnancy.
1. I'm so uncomfortable, and it's 90% of what I think about. Ryker's pregnancy was a breeze, but it also ended at 33 weeks. I'm 33 weeks and 1 day, and it's totally true that pregnancies can be 100% different for the same woman, this one has been pretty uncomfortable. From round ligament pain, heartburn, not being able to keep food down, to the latest hip/pelvic pain, I feel like my body sucks at growing a human. I worked out up until the weekend I had Ryker, like real lifting, and with this baby I can barely make it through my half hour stroll on my treadmill. I don't feel like a fit, strong Mom, I feel like I'm out of shape and can't imagine the work it will take to get it back. (This is my main self imposed guilt issue!)
2. What if Ryker feels neglected? How confusing is breastfeeding going to be for him? He suddenly wants me to hold him all the time, is he going to resent the new baby for being attached to me while we attempt breastfeeding exclusively? I don't want him to feel like second fiddle.
3. Having one kid reshaped my relationship with my amazing husband, what is having two children going to do? I tend to get caught in Ryker and his needs, putting them before ours as individuals and as a couple, I need to get a hold of this before I am trying to put everyone before our relationship. There's a reason I love having this man's children, he can only be defined as part of me, my other half doesn't even explain it.
4. I haven't cooked more than one or two meals for us as a family since last Fall. Lately, I've been stressing over Ryker's veggie intake, despite the fact that the kid can and does eat whole cans of green beans. Now if only I could get them to be fresh green beans (he doesn't like those).
5. I am leaving my current job for a new one in September, just about two months after I am due. The fun part? I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM TRANSITIONING TO. I just want a job, so that I can feel like I'm not going to flounder, all unemployed and useless in the Fall.
6. Laundry for days.
7. I don't know how to relax. My midwife says I need to so that the baby can benefit from my relaxing hormones. I've started hypnobirthing, which is helping, but generally just knocks me out.
8. Between work, school and getting pregnant, I totally dropped the ball on any and all friendships.
Look at that, I thought for sure I'd get to 10 and then go on, but I'd have to search for more things and that really would be crazy! As I wrote this list it did exactly what I wanted it to, it made me realize how silly most of this is and that I can take steps to assuage all of this. There have been so many articles out there that I have seen about taking Instagram Mom accounts with a grain of salt, they might post all the happy pictures but who knows what they are actually going through? Lord knows how much time I waste scrolling through women that I follow for motivation but only end up feeling like I'm not balancing everything as well as they are. So, starting today, my focus is going entirely internal in regards to my family and myself. I want to enjoy the end of this third trimester, especially since I am officially in uncharted territory and I want to help create an environment that allows my boys to enjoy it too, instead of just seeing me feeling uncomfortable and bad for myself. I can't wait to be able to hold our little girl in my arms, but I know that I will miss feeling her constant movement inside me, even when she's pressing on my hip bone as hard as she can! Let's take a moment for ourselves, Moms, and just appreciate everything we do instead of worrying about what didn't get done. We're basically the shit. Now, it's time to go get my little guy out of bed and cash in on my Good Morning kiss!
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